Why being selfish can actually help others

A good friend of mine told me about Mel Robbins, former trial lawyer turned coach and media person. You may have seen her latest endeavors her A&E show entitled “Monster In-Laws.”

Well, I was just reading an article Mel wrote for the Pennsylvania Conference for Women, a conference I used to attend when I lived in PA. They always have great speakers, and I find the women in the audience are terrific too.

The title of Mel’s article was “The Social Responsibility to be SELFISH.” In it, she writes that, when asking a group of several thousand women what they wanted to do, the overwhelming response was “make a difference in the world.”

In contrast, she says, “I was with Donald Trump a few weeks ago, and had the opportunity to ask a room full men the same question. Their answer? “Make a million bucks,” “Sell a company,” “Invent a product.”

She goes on to say,

“This is no clash of the sexes, we all have the same selfish desire: we just want to feel good.”

THAT is what we are all achieving: a greater sense of fulfillment, meaning in our lives.

And when we set goals that address these needs, we are more motivated, more successful and so much happier.

So, what can you do: today, tomorrow and this year, to achieve your goal to feel good? How can you help others as you work towards that goal? How can you apply your values and strengths to make this world a better place: whether it be on an individual or global basis?

7 signs of depression in men

Why is he acting like that?

Anger can be a sign of depression for men

I was called in to help a rather senior executive who had been having some issues with the staff. Specifically, HR shared a few incidents when he had been less-than-kind to some of his team members.

While some may jump to the conclusion “they guy is just a  _______!” I find more often than not there is some alternate underlying reason such behavior.

And in this case, as it is not uncommon, the man was struggling with depression.

While twice as common in women as compared to me, depression affects over 9 million men in the United States.

Diagnostic criteria for depression includes depressed mood or lost of interest in activities that you used to enjoy.  There are other symptoms, too, that are required to actually have a diagnosis of depression.

But, men often do not overly say “I am feeling sad.” And, in fact, men with depression often do not realize that is what is happening. Instead, they experience different symptoms that can be indicators of depression.

Here are the top seven symptoms I see in my male clients who are (often unbeknownst to them) suffering with depression:

  1. Anger and Irritability: You know that guy who just keeps losing it? It could very well be depression. That was what was happening with this executive.
  2. Substance abuse: Self-medication for the uncomfortable and painful feelings they are having is common in men with depression.
  3. Physical symptoms: You know the commercial: “depression hurts.”  Well, it really does. And men are more likely than women to report physical problems such as chronic pain (especially in the back and neck) and digestive disorders.
  4. Sexual problems: while sexual problems can cause psychological issues in itself, reduced interest in sex and difficulties with performance can be a sign of underlying depression.
  5. Fatigue: reports of exhaustion and or problems getting the energy to do something can be caused by depressed mood
  6. Problems with sleep: either an inability to sleep or sleeping excessively (e.g., over 12 hours per night) can be an indicator that something is going on with his emotional health
  7. Reduced productivity: depression affects your ability to concentrate and take care of what needs to be done (at work or home). It also reduces decisiveness, making it harder to make decisions necessary for work projects, for example.

While these symptoms do not mean someone is depression, they are red flags to explore a little more as to what is happening.

If you or someone you know may be struggling with depression, talk to a professional.  Depression can be debilitating (emotionally, physically, socially, occupationally). But the good news is: it is also treatable.

5 steps to A Happier You

Many thanks to Omel O’Connor (and Dave!) at The Podium! They are a terrific crew who interviewed me on 5 steps to being a happier you.

Which one can you apply more into your life today?

9 Must Do’s for Women

Many thanks to Denise Schipani for including me in her wonderful article in womansday.com on

9 Things Every Woman Should Make Time For

Denise writes “Feel happier, healthier and more fulfilled by including these items on your to-do list”

  1. Sex
  2. Time with female friends
  3. One-on-one time with your kids
  4. Alone time
  5. Indulging your creative side
  6. Learn something new
  7. Sleep
  8. Volunteering
  9. Exercise

If you had to choose, which ONE would best boost your happiness?

Give it a try and let us know how it worked.

Tips for Over-stressed moms

Thanks to Natalie Morales, Dr. Gail Saltz and the crew at The Today Show (yeah Gil!) for such a fun interview!

So, can YOU related to any of this?

A lesson in loving life

Sunday was Eric Lowen’s 60th birthday. While many would be fretting, wondering “how did I get to be this old?!”, Eric is savoring entering into this next decade.

Eric and his lifelong friend, Dan Navarro, are singers. Perhaps best know for writing the song “We Belong” (made popular by Pat Benatar in 1984), this duo has traveled the world singing, loving and living life to its fullest.

A longtime fan of this group, I had the pleasure of actually meeting them on June 1, 2001. Since then, I am honored to say, we have remained friends.

On March 17, 2004, Eric was diagnosed with Lou Gehrig’s disease (known in the medial community as Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis).  The average prognosis is 3-5 years after diagnosis.

Over 7 years later, Eric’s passion for life and the people in it abound. As Dan said to Eric “Congratulations, dude, on finding the secret to life…amassing a raft of great friends by first and foremost being a great friend.”  I think this is wonderful advice for us all.

May we learn from Eric to appreciate every second of life, even when times are tough. And focus on what is important: love!

Don’t put your marriage on the back burner

You dated, fell in love and got married. You expected the bliss to continue. Then, life happened: job, kids, stress, endless responsibilities…

I had a client tell me the other day “I will focus on my marriage when the kids go to college.” Her kids are in preschool!

The top 3 reasons why to put energy into your marriage NOW are:

1)    Your marriage is a vital role model for your children. This is how they learn how to express love. And this understanding will be with them forever.

2)    A happy marriage boosts the happiness of the couple and their children.  Your marriage is your primary intimate relationship. Having close ties is vital to our happiness. And happiness is contagious. Research shows that happiness spreads (just like diseases). So your children, friends, co-workers and neighbors will benefit.

3)    It will help you AND your children live longer lives. Studies show that happily married people are physically healthier and better able to fight off disease. They live longer and so do their children (even after the parents have died).

“OK,” you might be saying. “I get it. Focusing on making my marriage a happy one is important. BUT you don’t know how busy I am. How can I possible add one more thing to my “to-do” list?

Despite all the craziness of life, here are 5 tips to improve your marriage:

  1. Prioritize: yes, there is a lot to do everyday. Consider the benefits to you and you children and make a strong, happy marriage be a priority for you.
  2. Schedule time every day (at least 10 minutes to sit and chat), every week (date) and every quarter (spend the night away form the children) together without distractions of work, kids, in-laws… Too tired at night? Get up a little early to spend time together. I had a client who used to wake up early some days with her husband so they could enjoy a cup of coffee together and a nice romp before the kiddo got up
  3. Do fun things together: take tango lessons or a cooking class, learn a foreign language and then visit the country, volunteer together, take a bath, sleep in the guestroom, have a picnic by the fire after the kids go to bed, try something new in the bedroom (or outside the bedroom). Be adventurous, daring, silly, uninhibited, fun.  This includes physical intimacy. Yes, sex, as well as any other touching, rubbing, caressing, or physical loving you can give. Contrary to come married couples’ visions, sex is not annual a monthly event, like paying the rent (or at least, it optimally is not).
  4. Ask and listen: be interested and supportive in what your partner is doing. If she has a big meeting at work or he has a major project due, be encouraging. Men, you need not solve all of her problems, just listen.
  5. Express yourself (in the positive way): a little word of thanks, a text that you are thinking about your spouse, an offer to assist them can all go a long way. In our society we are so focused on communicating what is wrong (what needs to be fixed, changed, addressed) that we miss out on all the good. If you only do one thing, make it sharing gratitude with your partner. Tell her/him how much you appreciate what they did, what they do on a regular basis, what a great parents they are, how much they love you.  Expressing appreciation is a gift to your partner, you and your marriage as a whole.

Focus on your marriage to increase the happiness in your entire household. And if you do, you’ll be an even happier you!

Treat your headache with exercise

About one in six American suffers from chronic headaches. In addition to the physical pain, headaches are financially “painful.”  For example, it is estimated that absenteeism from work and medical expenses as a result of headaches cost as much as $50 billion each year.

So what can we do?

A new study compared treatments for a specific type of chronic headaches: migraines.

91 migraine sufferers were randomly assigned to:

  1. Medication
  2. Exercise: 40 minutes of aerobic exercise three times a week
  3. Relaxation

After three months, all three groups had improved equally. So, both exercise and relaxation were as effective as the medication group.

The take home message? If you suffer from headaches, try adding exercise and relaxation to your regimen. Unlike medication (if done correctly), there are no negative side effects of these intervention. There are, however, lots of positive side effects including: boosts in happiness, reduced stress, improved self-confidence, increased productivity and clarity, increased ability to sleep…

Forgiveness: letting go of anger

Oprah described her “beyond a-ha” moment when she heard the following definition of forgiveness: “Giving up the hope that the past could be any different.”

How true that is.

Many of us have the belief:

“IF ONLY that hadn’t happened THEN I could be happy.”



A mathematical equation of this concept would look something like this:

Event did not happen = happiness



The problem is, our brain sees this equation as also being:

Happiness = event did not happen



In words, then, our brain has the belief:

“I can only be happy IF the event hadn’t happened.”


And that is, of course, impossible.



By having this belief, even if somewhere in your subconscious, you are preventing yourself from moving on and finding happiness. You are preventing true love and joy from entering into your life. You are also preventing your children, spouse, friends, family and other loved ones from getting the optimal you. You are hurting yourself and everyone you love.


Please notice, there is no mention of how your anger and resentment affects the person who wronged you. You do not forgive for that person. You forgive for you, and the people you continue to love.


There are many benefits of forgiveness. Don’t you deserve them?


Forgiveness is a vital part of The Happiness Prescription. You can learn more about forgiveness on this blog as well as my bestselling book A Happy You: Your Ultimate Prescription for Happiness.

Importance of sleep

While some may consider me a bit of a sleep nazi when it comes to putting my children to bed (their bedtimes are 7 and 7:15), I have always been a firm believer in the benefits of sleep.  Getting a consistent good night’s rest helps up be happier, have less stress, learn better, have our bodies be healthier, focus better…

And, in fact, I would contend that a large portion of kiddos in our society who have been placed on medications for ADHD are, in fact, not suffering from this disorder but rather from complete sleep deprivation.  Both are characterized by:

  • difficulty with concentration and focus
  • being easily distracted
  • difficulty completing tasks
  • not listening well
  • impulsivity
  • irritability

Now a new study shows even more proof that sleep deprivation can be hazardous to our young ones’ health.

This study found that preventing sleep could lead to changes in the brain. Specifically, researchers from the University of Wisconsin-Madison found that short-term sleep restriction in adolescent mice adversely affected brain synapses (or connections between nerve cells where communication takes place).

While longer-term studies are needed, the study’s leader, Dr. Chiara Cirelli, reported that there could be lasting consequences to this sleep deprivation. For example, this may be a contributing factor to mental illness such as schizophrenia, which often develops during adolescence.

The take home message? Get your teens, tweens, younger children and self to bed. Get the sleep you need to function optimally. And if you do, you will be an even happier and healthier you.